FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed the coastguard and asked them to estimate the wind speed. They replied they were sorry, but they didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)




A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass round the rest of the carriage."

===========================================

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

Shit!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior centre.

========================================

Usually lists of jokes mostly suck, but I've prescreened the crappy ones, so these are the best ones I found in a list I read (the full list is here).

Shorter ones:
- - - - - - - - -

Guy walks into a drug store, says to the gal behind the counter. "Hi, I need some condoms for my 11-year old daughter."

The lady, shocked, says "What? Your 11-year old daughter is sexually active?"

The man says "Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

- - - - - - -

A priest, a homosexual, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

- - - - - - - - -

What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your Dad you're gay.

- - - - - - - - -

What's blue and screws old ladies?
Me in my lucky blue coat.

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

- - - - - - - -

A female collegiate swimmer is talking to one of her teammates in the locker room.

She says: "You know, I've won every swim for the last two years, but I think it's time for me to stop using steroids."

Her teammate replies: "Why is that?"

The first swimmer says: "Because I've been growing hair in some weird places."

Her teammate says: "Like where?"

She says: "On my balls."

- - - - - - - -

Longer ones:
- - - - - - - - -

A man is driving down a country road one evening when his car breaks down. He walks a couple of miles until he reaches a monastery. The monks there are friendly and helpful, and they give him a warm meal, a place to sleep, and a phone to call for repairs in the morning. During the night, the man hears the most unusual scratching noises coming from somewhere within the walls of the monastery, and so in the morning before the cab he calls arrives, he asks:

"Last night in bed, I heard the strangest scratching sounds. Do you know what they were?" The monks all fall silent, and one steps forward and says:

"Yes, we know, but we cannot tell you what they were, because you are not a monk." The man is disappointed by this, but he thanks the monks for their generosity and leaves.

Ten years later, the man is traveling down the same road, and his car breaks down again. He returns to the monastery, and the monks feed him and provide a room for him to sleep in. During the night, the man hears the same strange scratching noises that he heard all those years ago, and so in the morning, he asks yet again what the noises were. The monks tell him:

"We know what these noises are, but we cannot tell you, because you are not a monk." The man's curiosity is piqued and he insists that he has to know.

"What must I do to become a monk, then?" the man asks.

"To become a monk, you must travel the world and learn all there is to know. When you return and tell us how many grains of sand there are, and how many blades of grass there are, you can join our monastery. So, the man goes out into the world, and seventy years later, he returns to the monastery.

"Have you learned how many blades of grass and grains of sand there are on Earth?" they ask him. The man knows the answer, and the monks welcome him.

"Can I now know what was making those noises?" the man asks.

"It is right this way," one of the monks says, and leads him to a wooden door. The man tries to open the door, but it is locked.

"Can I have the key?" the man asks.

"Of course," replies the monk, and he hands him the wooden key. Behind the wooden door is an iron door. This door too is locked, and the man asks for the key. The monk hands him an iron key to open the iron door, which leads to a steel door. Behind the steel door is a copper door, and then a silver door, and a gold door. This leads to doors made of ruby, emerald, sapphire, and diamond. The man asks for the key for each one, and each door is unlocked. Finally, the man comes to a door made from a strange black material.

"This is the final door," says the monk, as he hands the man the final key. The man inserts the key, turns it, and pushes open the door to reveal a room, in which is sitting the source of that strange scratching sound he heard all those years ago.

But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.

- - - - - - - - - -

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

- - - - - - - -

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Here's some more from the same list (which has doubled in size from before)... I'm starting to think I may be a misogynist, since it's those sort of jokes that I find the most funny.

Shorter ones:
- - - - - - - - -

A man comes home from work and says to his wife, "Wonderful news, Honey, I've hit the lottery! Ten million dollars!!! Pack your bags right away!"

The wife is exuberant with joy as she starts throwing all her clothes into a big suitcase. She says, "Are we going someplace warm enough that I can wear my bikini?"

To which her husband replies, "I don't give a damn where you go, just get the hell out."

- - - - - - - - -

A little boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down and crying. A priest stops and goes over to the boy to ask him what's wrong. "My mommy and daddy drove off the cliff, and died". The priest started unbuckling his belt and said, "This just isn't your day, is it kid?"

- - - - - - - -

Q. Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A. The four-year-old in my trunk

- - - - - - - -

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A: The Holocaust.

- - - - - - - -

Heisenberg is speeding down the highway when he gets pulled over by a police officer. The cop approaches his car, and heisenberg rolls down his window.

Cop: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg: "No, but I know where I am!"

- - - - - - - -

Why did Jesus die on the cross?

He forgot his safe word.

- - - - - - - -

Longer ones:
- - - - - - - -

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head, The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it any more. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace. He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the Roulette table." He goes to the Roulette table.

The voice says, "Put all your money on red 23." He puts all his money on red 23.

The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, "Fuck."

- - - - - - - - -

A guy is driving his new BMW down the interstate one night, and he's going a little too fast. Out of nowhere comes those flashing blue lights behind him. The guy decides on an impulse to outrun the cop. After all, this is a BMW, not some rickety cop car.

So he's going 90mph, and the cop is still there. Then 100. 130, and the cop is still there. The guy comes to his senses and realizes what a stupid thing he's doing, so he pulls over.

The cop walks up to his window and looks at him, and says "look. You're my last stop of the night, and I really don't feel like doing all the paperwork involved in arresting you. So if you can give me one good reason why you did what just happened here tonight, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a second, then says, "my wife left me for a policeman last month. I thought you were trying to give her back."

The cop says, "have a nice night."

- - - - - - - -

It's 3:30 in the morning when the doorbell rings in the house of a married couple. The perturbed husband goes down and answers the door only to see an intoxicated guy standing outside.

"Yeah, what can I do for you.." He says

"Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if I could get a push"

The husband slams the door in the guys face and proceeds back to his bed, when he gets there his wife asks who was at the door.

"just some drunk wanting a push" he replies.

"Well, did you help him out?" she asks.

"No, I didn't help him, it's 3:30 in the goddamn morning and I think he's drunk to boot." was the response.

"Honeeeey.. remember when we were on our honeymoon and got a little tipsy and drove our irememberjeep into the creek and that nice man stopped and helped us?
Don't you think this would be a nice way repaying that favor?"

At that the husband softened somewhat and went back downstairs and out the door.

"Hey Buddy!!" he yells into the dark.
"You still need that push?"

"I sure could use it!" Came the answer from the dark.

"Well, where the hell are you? I can't see you or your car" the husband yelled.

"Back here, on your swing set." Yelled the drunk.

- - - - - - - -

Ridiculously long and stupid:
- - - - - - - -

Fred, a nature lover decided to go on an exploratory mission to the deepest regions of the Amazonian Rainforest. It had been his life ambition to explore this encredible environment and look for species never before discovered. He decided he would consult his best friend Dr. Heimlich a zoologist to learn of any species that were rumoured to exist except there had been no evidence of live specimens. Dr. Heimlich suggested Fred might want to look for a Rarie. Raries were apparently small cute purple fluffy things with a mouth, eyes but no limbs. The signs for tracking such a creature were thought to be traces of the purple fluff that sometimes get left behind as the Rarie rolls around the rainforest. Fred set off after many weeks packing and preparing for his long voyage, determined to capture a live Rarie and bring it back for Dr. Heimlich to study. Dr. Heimlich also speculated over the possibility of breeding Raries for their furr and their dung which is rumoured by certain amazonian tribes to have medicinal properties. After a hard weeks traveling Fred found himself deep in the amazonian rainforest. The wonders of GPS allowed him to keep track of his position so he planned a rigorous search of a 10 mile square region for signs of Rarie activity. After spending many hot, wet, hard days trudging through the undergrowth Fred struck gold, or rather, purple fluff. He was exstatic, it was a large tuft of bright purple fluff, slightly pinkish towards the roots. Looking around him he searched for any signs of Rarie movement. Upwind he found a deposit of sweet smelling purple sludge. Aha, he thought, Rarie dung. Fred knelt down to scoop the small pile into a sample container to keep for analysis. Suddenly purpleness flashed by the corner of Fred's eye. He hurled himself in the direction of the moving blur and lunged out catching a handful of fur causing him to be dragged though the mud. After a considerable period of time Fred regained consciousness and opened his eyes. Peering through the dim light he was astonished to see a small fluffy purple creature was bouncing up and down next to his feet. Yes ! it was a Rarie, only a small one, about one foot diameter but unmistakable with 2 big blue eyes and a mouth nearly invisible due to a soft covering of the fur which covered the rest of its body. Fred slowly reached for his Rarie Net™ Patent Pending. The Rarie seemed quite unscared and if anything more curious about Fred than he was of it. Fred had no difficulty in coaxing the bouncing bundle into his portable Rarie Cage which he had made himself out of creepers. Thrilled and using his GPS, Fred made his way back to the airport via his base camp. Worried that his Rarie would be confiscated from him on entering his country due to quarentine laws, Fred concealed the Rarie in his hand luggage and took frequent trips to the toilet on his transatlantic flight to feed and water the Rarie. Dr. Heimlich was overwhelmed with interest in the new discovery and spent several weeks observing the behaviour of the Rarie. It became apparent that the Rarie didn't sleep and had no will to do anything other than roll around and eat. Fred decided he would call his Rarie, "Rarie", not very imaginative perhaps but still, an accurate description since they are indeed, rare. Fred took Rarie home and let it live in his house. He found it to be quite a good pet as all it required was space to roll around and lots of food to eat. In fact, Fred found that if he didn't feed the Rarie enough its vibrant colour would slowly fade and the Rarie become less and less prone to roll and bounce around his spacious house. Keen to keep his new friend happy, Fred fed Rarie large amounts of food every day. Much to his surprise the Rarie increased in size significantly every time he gave it a meal. He was rather concerned about this so he consulted Dr. Heimlich who instructed him that this behaviour appeared completely normal and that he must have captured a young rarie and so it should be expected to grow. Dr. Heimlich instructed Fred to under no circumstances withhold food from the Rarie. Fred was happy that his pet was growing so despite the Rarie taking up an inconvenient amount of space in his house and costing a large amount in food, he kept feeding it. After several more weeks had passed the Rarie had grown to a diameter of 8 feet. Fred was rather worried about this as the Rarie had no space to move around and in trying to bounce it was damaging the structure of his house. He again consulted Dr. Heimlich. The Doctor was puzzled at the rate of growth and size of the creature. He instructed Fred to keep feeding the Rarie but if it growed any more that he may have to dispose of it. Fred was reluctant to accept such an outcome but seeing as he had brought it into the country illegaly he agreed that he would have to get rid of Rarie if it became unmanagable. He drove home slowly, taking his time. When he came within sight of his house he was astonished to see that his house was half demolished and the purple fluffy blob covered in bricks and masonry had grown to a 30 foot diameter. He was dismayed and annoyed but he resolved to get rid of the creature and restore his life to normality. He hired an articulated dumping truck cabable of lifting the 5 tonne creature and a crane to hoist it onto the truck. After many hours lifting and manouvering the Rarie onto the back of the truck he set off. He drove to a 4000 foot high cliff near his house and backed up to the cliff edge. He set the truck to slowly lift the dumper then he got out to watch the last few moments of the Raries life. It was all very emotional as tears began flooding down Fred's face causing the Rarie too burst into tears as well. The Rarie slowly began to roll towards the cliff edge, Fred could barely look. To make things worse the Raries fluf got snagged on the side of the dumper to leave the huge thing dangling over the edge of the cliff. Fred had had enough so he got in and drove the truck away from the cliff, breaking the Raries grip letting it hurtle down to the bottom of the cliff and splat into a mixture of purple, pink and blue sludge. Whats the moral of the story? Its a long long way to tip a Rarie.

MMM offensive.

Who the hell would actually read that last one? Has the person not heard of paragraphs? My eyes bleed enough from the amount of time I spend at the computer thanks.

The absurd length for a stupid joke makes it more funny IMO.

lol I had an English teacher who used to tell jokes like that at the end of the week. It took most of the lesson to do :shrugs:

It wasn't the length that annoyed me, it was the bad spelling and grammar :P Funny joke those. i love the ones that end in a moral :P Especially stupid morals.

lol, I love those long jokes, that one would have been wayyy better if it hadnt actually had a punchline, or if the punchline wasnt something that made sense (or wasnt a wellknown phrase or whatever).
If anyone can link me to the epic "fuck off, Noddy" joke, il goldplate your balls. Not the song, the joke. Cheers BigEars. Haha. Get it?

Don't think this is what you are after but thought I'd try.. I vaguely remember the one you are thinking of.
Noddy woke up feeling VERY excited. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and his porridge was nice and hot and sugary, and today he was going to see his very very bestest friend- BigEars!!!

He got out of bed, stretched his happy little arms and put on his jangly little hat with the bell on the end. His jangly little belled hat belled merrily as he bounced through his house.

'Good morning, sun!' he sang cheerfully, and the sun twinkled back at him.

'Good morning, birdies' to the little singing birdies who chirriped gaily back at him.

'Good morning, porridge', to the porridge, which didn't say anything back to him, but went gloooop. Noddy sat on his little red chair and ate his porridge, a lot faster than he knew was sensible, but today, it didn't really matter. Ooooooh, he was SO excited.

After brushing his pearly white teeth, and scrubbing his red little cheeks, Noddy and his happy, jangly little hat went out to wash his car. 'My car MUST be looking its best for a trip to my bestest friend BigEars!'.

As he washed his car till it gleamed so much he could see his smiley little reflection in it, Noddy sang a little, special song, his cheery little hat nod-nod-nodding up and down, keeping time with a 'janglejanglejangle'.

'Off to see BigEars, in my little car! Off to see BigEars, who's very very far (away). Off to see BigEars, his ears are big and eary, off to see BigEars, who's really rather hairy.'

Noddys twinkly little voice drew rabbits and mice out of their hidey-holes. They sat at his feet to listen.

"Hello, cute little fluffy bunnies!!! Hello, fuzzy little mice!" he tinkled happily. They tinkled happily back at him.

Noddy was EXTRA excited, because as much as he enjoyed washing his little car usually, today he was using new environmentally friendly car cleaner! Oooooohhh, BigEars WOULD be proud!!! he just could not WAIT to see the look on BigEars' face when he and his little shiny car turned up!!!

When the little bunnies and mice had scurried off to a tea party, Noddy was able to leave-finally!!!-to see....BIGEARS!!! HOORAH!!! (Noddy hadn't wanted to squish any furry little visitors by mistake, which is why he waited until they had left before leaving happily himself)-toot!' he was off!

Noddy drove along in the sunshine, waving to the pretty little flowers, smiling to himself. Ohhh, he WAS excited. 'Hello there fat policeman! Hello, Bess! Hello, stranger! Hello, hedgehog!'

Noddy thought he might just BURST with excitement. Just imagine, him and BIGEARS!!!

After an hour of happy, if somewhat erratic driving, Noddy pulled up outside BigEars house. he adjusted his jangly, merry little hat, brightened up his cheery, cheery smile, and......ooooooohhhh it was just TOO hard to contain himself.

"BIGEARS!!!" he shouted gaily to BigEars, who was inside having a lovely sweet warm cup of tea, and a chocolate timtam bickie. "BIGGGEARRRRRRSSSSS!!!!!"

BigEars looked out his window.

"Fuck off, Noddy." he said.

By the way if I manage to find the right joke you have every right to worship me.. I don't wnat my balls gold plated thanks ;)

You know I post the joke and then I find out that YOU have already posted it :P ManiacNymph's Noddy Joke

No wonder the 'Laughter in the Lair' thread gets no hits now...

http://s6.invisionfree.com/Craccum/index.php?showtopic=1831

:hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious: :hilarious:

Those fucking aussies. Racist bastards. They embarass us as most people think we're the same.

We're superior, as in we're not fucking racist fucks. Stupid crims.

I don't know if it's true that the average Kiwi has higher IQ than the average Aussie.

I'm saddened that no one has replied to that thread properly. 'Save Toby' killed it.

I have no idea what's going on here. I only know that as bad as Don Brash getting so many votes is, Austrlia is way worse.

Whose toby?

It's true, at least until I move.

The damn rabbit being used in an internet con.

if I had money I would buy that book just to reward the dude for the sheer awesomeness of his idea. Its like those trademe novelty auctions. Some of them are just awesome and you wanna bid just to give the dude a pat on the back

Some idiot on Trademe was selling a (broken) three-legged chair as a piece of "modern art". He was asking for $40 initially and said it was a "once in a lifetime opportunity" to buy such a chair.

Welcome to the world of contemporary art, Hitler.

Just bear in mind that just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's not art.

That guy was being laughed at for disguising a broken chair as art. There's a difference between modern sculptures and just a piece of garbage.

Fucking power to him if he can fob it off for money.

I lost the link now, it was two years ago... I think he negotiated down to $3 and the buy bought if for repairs or firewood.