Since I ain't permitted to post anywhere else, I've decided to start my own thread on a topic of my choosing. I often feel humorous on a Sunday evening therefore, I should post some jokes. Those of you that believe that I have no sense of humor, I'm going to prove you wrong!

Here are a good few to get the laughs coming:

Heaven:

Johnny's parrot had just fallen off its perch and died. It was lying on its back on the bottom of the cage, its legs pointing upwards.

"Dad, when birds die, why do their feet always point upwards?" Johnny asked his father.

"Well, Johnny, they do that so that God can reach down, take them by the claws and pull them up into Heaven."

Next day when Dad got home from work, Johnny rushed over to him and said, "Gee Dad, we nearly lost Mom today."

"What do you mean?" Queried his father.

"Well, I heard these noises upstairs so I rushed up to see what was happening. There was Mom, lying on the bed, with her legs pointing straight up and she was yelling. "God, I'm coming!" If it hadn't been for the gardener holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure."

Rod Donald:

"Daddy, daddy! Teachers in school are saying that Rod Donald died, is that true? What really happened?"

"No, son. He got recycled!"

CIA Agent Nabbed in Moscow:

A CIA agent was trained for five years in isolation to infiltrate KGB headquarters. He was taught to speak highly fluent Russian like a Russian, dress like a Russian, act like a Russian and talk like a Russian. But as soon as he stepped off the plane at Moscow, he was caught. Guess how?








He was Black.

Ghost Joke:

A teacher is talking to his class of high school students about the paranormal.

"How many of you believe in ghosts?" he says, and about thirty students raise their hands.

"Alright, how many of you have actually seen a ghost?". Ten of the students raise their hands.

"OK" said the teacher "then how many of you have had sex with a ghost?". This time, only one student puts his hand up.

Excellent, thinks the teacher, and calls the student to the front of the class.

"So" says the teacher "tell us all about your sexual encounter with a ghost."

"Ghost?" says the student "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said goat."

Fairy Tales:

I've learnt something new recently. Different cultures have different fairytales and legends. There's even a distinction between White fairytales and Black fairytales.

White fairy tales begin gently with "Once upon a time..." But Black fairytales start out as "Yo, you motherf*ckers ain't gonna believe this sh*t!"

Hmm, tough crowd! Of course, you're all free to post comments or your own jokes.

Or, you're equally welcome to not post in the Lair...

There's no rule against making threads in the Lair that I'm aware of.

There's no fun in that.

What do you guys think of my jokes?

Q. What do you get when you push a baby down the stairs?

A. An erection!

Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: A rip off!

Q: What happened to the blind circumcisor?
A: He got the sack.

Did you hear about the streaker in the Cathedral this morning?




They caught him by the organ.

Instant classic!


Mathematician:

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

A: He tried to work it out with a pencil...

Four Old Friends:

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, are reunited at a
party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
His best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride And
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."


The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my
Son and I love him very much. Besides he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square
foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his
three boyfriends.

Africa:

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/odds/africa.html

Giant Marshmallow:

Last night I dreamt that I was eating a giant marshmallow, delicious it was.

But when I woke up my pillow had disappeared.

Cops:

Being a policeman is a great job in this country. You get a starting salary of $40,000, get to don a uniform that women admire, no one will pull over for speeding, you won't get in any trouble for beating up Maoris and when you're not doing that, you can sit in the office and wax your baton, since you've got high speed internet connection (for porn).

Blonde Anarchist:

Q: What do you call a blonde anarchist?

A: Rebel without a clue.

In the same vein as oob's joke:
Q: What's the worst thing about fucking a baby?
A: Hearing the pelvis crack.

To be honest that one goes a bit far for me. I prefer the more wholesome baby-in-a-blender jokes.

lol, i have to admit Oobs was a good 'un, and so was Chiangs boyfriends one. I thought so, anyway.

I like this one:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Hey hey, go easy on him, this is one of his better threads, the jokes are quite funny, i too liked the boyfriend one, very clever. Keep em' coming.

I've got one of those pens. B)

um, I have the catalogue where you can buy those pens... :iwentthere:

Well, Raybon Kan is one of my role models. Making fun of homosexuals is one of my specialties.


Q: Why did the gay guy cross the road?
A: He had his dick stuck up the chicken's arse!

Q: What do you call an old guy who's not had sex in over 10 years?
A: A retrosexual.

Top 10 reasons to go to work naked:

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Priest Joke:

A novice priest was recently appointed to replace and ageing, senile priest who was about to retire.

The new priest wasn't sure about how to handle his first confession. One morning, the cleaning lady came into the booth.

"Father, father! Once again, I have given oral sex to some man who is not my husband."

"What did the old priest used to give you for that?" The novice decided do nothing new.

"Three chocolate bars."

Nun Joke:

One evening a taxi driver picked up this passenger who was nun. Being a bold man, the taxi driver decided to speak his mind.

"You know sister, I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

"Well, I can do that, provided that you're Catholic and single."

"Really? I fit both of those conditions."

The driver was stunned. He immediately pulled his cab into some back alley for the act. Afterwards, he drove her to the destination.

Before she got out he started laughing.

"What's so funny?" The nun enquired.

"Haha! I'm actually married and atheistic."

"That's O.K., I'm actually a pre-op transexual and I'm off to a costume party!"

Stevie Wonder:

Q: Why does Stevie Wonder smile a lot?
A: He doesn't know that he's Black.



Haha! Schwazzenegger has cleavage!

Poor guy.


Anyone seen the Clayton Bigsby sketch on Chappelle's Show? Blind, black white supremacist who doesn't know he's black. Some funny shit.

:cry:

Fucking liking the top 10 reasons!
The taxi joke reminds me of another one.

A taxi driver picks up an attractive blonde in Newmarket. She wants to get to the Shore so they hop on the motorway, when the taxi blows a tyre.

They manage to get over to the shoulder and the lady is forced to wait for the driver to change the tyre. Anxious to be helpful, she asks, "Do you want a screwdriver?". He looks her up and down and says, "Maybe soon, but I'd better finish changing this tyre first!"

There are a few jokes that make fun of punctuation, like these ones:

Business was bad. The boss had to dismiss one of his employees. It came down to Jack or Jill. He called Jill into his office and said, "Jill I have to either lay you or
Jack off."

"You're gonna have to Jack off then 'cause I've got a bloody headache", Jill responded.

Naked Blonde:

A blonde woman was showering when she heard a knock on her door.

Blonde: Who is it?

Stranger: Blind man!

Thinking that the stranger was blind, she exited her shower and opened the door for him.

Stranger: Nice tits, lady! Where do you want your blinds?

(Get it? Window blinds!)


Q: Why do Jews like to watch porn videos on rewind?
A: They the part when the hooker gives the money back.

Q: Why did the blonde paint her house wearing a trenchcoat over a snow suit?
A: The instructions on the bucket says "For maximum results, apply two coats."

Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: To match the oven and the refrigerator.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Newstalk ZB (True Story):

In one January morning, there was some liberal housewife who rang up complaining about Bush's inauguration and about how much of a crap president he is. Here's a transcript before her call was dismissed:

Housewife: "G'day Larry, I'd like to point out that Bush is a Nazi... Yak, yak, yak! Blah, blah, blah!" (The usual liberal rantings.)

Host: "Calm down, lady. We know he's unfit to govern the world's only superpower. How lovely are the trees in your backyard?"

Housewife: "Oh, they're really lovely, thanks. I water them everyday."

Host: "Then why don't you hug go one before you call back! Now moving on, in the latest report by the Ministry of Education... "

Man the week after Bush won was awesome, it was like everyone on Earth had a twist in their knickers. Stupid two term limit :(, it always bones the coolest presidents: Reagan, Clinton, Bush...

Are you sure that Bush ranks along the greats like Clinton and Reagan?

Nuts:

Q: What's the difference between peanuts and deer nuts?

A: Peanuts cost $1.50; deer nuts are under a buck.

It's thanks to Bush that I've had something to watch on the news these past few years.

*Scrapes coffee mug against the iron bars.*

Oob, would you like to tell me about what goes on outside the Lair? Any threads on the Crips founder execution? Have I been invited to Maliekieth's party? Are they discussing nukes again?

EDIT: Oh, and er, Happy Birthday to McRiff and Senor!

Hell, I've been watching the news regularly since I was about 6 years old.

Can you not read other threads? I thought it was just a 'can read but can't post' situation for the other threads, since you could so easily make a new account just for reading the other threads.

I found the Clinton administration pretty boring. Democrats just don't have the same... showmanship that Republicans have.

Not to rage against the machine or anything but you could also just not sign in and view them as a guest.

Creating a new account would be dishonourable, as well as the fact that it would be fairly easily detected if a new person showed up with Adolf's posting style and interest in similar subject matter... coinkidink or Adolf in a new guise?

Cheers for the happy birthday comment Adolf, sadly I can't really do anything tonight but in the weekend I will celebrate in an extravagant fashion.

If you want to see showmanship than perhaps you should look at Nazi Germany...





You should listen to these, while you look at those.

Guest don't get to view GTFO.

You should get those tusks polished.

the party isnt on, hasnt been on for weeks.

the banished can only post and view the lair.

this reduces the temptation to create an account and post once they see something they really want to reply to.

My date of release has been set to 17/12. Is there a specific time? I would prefer to be released as soon as the calendar changes over to the 17th.

Anyway, back to the jokes:

Q: What does a Hippie woman and an ice hockey player have in common?
A: They both change their pads after three periods.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Doesnt matter she should be at home washing the dishes.

Q: What's got two brown legs and two gray ones?
A: An elephant with diahroea.

Q: What does an elderly woman's cleaveage have that a teenage cleaveage doesn't have?
A: The navel.

Q: Why were the streets of Paris lined with trees?
A: German soldiers preferred to patrol in the shade.

Q: Why do North Koreans have children?
A: So that meat's on the menu.

Marriage comes in three rings: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer-ring.

Q: Why was the condom flying around the room?
A: It was pissed off.

Q: What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzzenegger?
A: Michael Wazzanigger.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and Boeing 747?
A: Not everyone 's been in a 747!

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
A: Because three wise men could not be found, let alone a virgin!

Q: What do you call a dog with no back legs and has steel balls?
A: Sparky!

Recently, I exposed my penis to LSD. Now everytime I ejaculate, I get a flashback! I'm trying to quite, ya know. But I get cold jerky.

Q: Why are there so many Christian missionaries in China?
A: They don't have the balls to go to the Middle East!

Q: Why is there hentai (Japanese cartoon porn)?
A: Because real Japs are ugly!

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They lost their houses.

Ethiopains:

Q: What's the fastest thing in the world?
A: An Ethiopian with a McDonald's voucher.

Q: What's the saddest thing in the world?
A: The same Ethiopian realizing that the voucher had expired.

Q: What's the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of pants.
A: The pair of pants on has one fly.

Jokes about the Chinese language:

Q: Who wrote the book The Sh*t Hit the Fan?
A: Who Flung Dung.

Q: Who wrote the play The Great Flood of China?
A: One Long Pee.

Jelly Beans:

Q: Why should you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A: The black ones might steal your watch.

Q: Why is it dangerous to sit on an opened jar of jelly beans?
A: The white ones will go up your arse.

Q: Why is it O.K. to pour jelly beans over your work?
A: The yellow ones will do it for you.

Chinese wisdom:

Eating too many chillies will sting both ends.

The Rude Pencil Sharpener:

Back in the first semester, in an engineering design tutorial, we were drawing schematic diagrams when I noticed the pencil sharpener belonging to a neighboring student.

It was made of ceramic or plasticine, in the form of a teddy bear in a sitting position, but most interesting of all, the hole for the pencil to into was located on it's 'lower back'.

"Pardon my vulgar sense of humor, but that sharpener is promoting sodomy." I said to the student. In a matter of seconds, the entire class had its attention shifted towards the object of my ridicule, it did not take long for the laughter to erupt. Even the sharpener's owner found it hilarious.

('Tis a shame that it was probably made in China.)

Stormy Weather:

When the weather's cold and stormy
And you're feeling a little sick
Just curl up nice and warmy
And play with your little...

Food Safety:

Last semester at the SoE foyer, I was chatting to a group of friends when I noticed that one of them had a very thick book titled Food Safety. So I held it up...

Chiang: Is this all about food safety?

Owner: Yes.

Chiang: You see how thick it is?

Owner: Yeah, what?

Chiang: Do they really need to produce such a thick book to prevent people having diarrhoea?

The group bursts into laughter.

War on Terror:





Plane Crash:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

The Great Viagra Robbery:

Q: Did you here about the great Viagra robbery. Three men are being sought for stealing a truckload of the wonder drug!

A: Police are searching for three hardened criminals!

http://s6.invisionfree.com/Craccum/index.php?showtopic=1721

Some of my best work!

The Little Girl and the Cop:

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Public Health:

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

ROFL. Funny shit Adolf.

Reporter: Mr. President, do you have intentions of travelling to the Gaza Strip?

Bush: I do not frequent strip clubs!

Yesterday at the local mall, some small child (his height could barely reach my waist) collided into me. I was unaffected but the boy fell to the floor and caused a slight embarassment for his mother.

Lady: "Oh, I'm sorry!"

Adolf: "Hey, Lady! Ever thought about getting a dog leash?"

You know, you can actually buy a leash-equivalent for young children - it fastens around the wrist of child and parent with a stringy cord in between. Pretty damn useful.

You're lucky that wasn't my sister, i'm sure she'd have beat your ass up. Or I would have if I was there anyway.

Goddammit! Can't you people take a joke?

you know whats funny?

Ahh, the hippie sees the glow of enlightenment...

You got any John Lennon jokes, Doc?