i) Why am I stuck here?
Because you've been an ass and irritated the Mod Squad enough for us to stick you here.
ii) How long am I here for?
Until Simon says "Stand Up".
iii) How can I get out?
By one of the following:
* Sending us pictures of you performing fellatio on yourself.
* Buying us beer - the quantity depends on the magnitude of your offense.
* Pleading with us and convincing us of your innocence.
* Bribery.