Warning, read only if very very bored


An engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his who said "Wow, that's a great bike! Where'd ya get it?"
"Well, the darndest thing happened" said the first student."A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted!"
"Wow," remarked his friend. "That's great! Good move, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.
The first fellow says "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow says "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow says "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well" says the fourth fellow, "who else would put a toxic waste drainage right through a recreational area!"
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Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."
"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.
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A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
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Real Engineers...
1. Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
2. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
3. Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
4. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
5. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
6. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
7. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, atches, and automatic transmissions.
8. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
9. Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
10. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
11. Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
12. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
13. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
14. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
15. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
16. Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas, because OCT 31 = DEC 25. (If you _don't_ get it, then you're not a Real Engineer.)
17. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
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An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came up, and the ship went down--almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No. From around the corner of the island came a rowboat.
But in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention and rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? Wow, you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you!"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it in my kiln it would melt into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she said. "Where do you live?" The man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island.
The woman rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "Oh, it won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while exchanging stories, the woman asked, "Have you always had a beard?" "No, I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship" he replied. "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
The man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no, er, companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men need, and women, too. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ... Do you have an Internet connection?"
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Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.
21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.
22. IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
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On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of computer programmers and a bunch of computer engineers. Each of the programmers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The programmers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.
When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The programmers were puzzled.
The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the computer programmers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please". The engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom. The computer programmers felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car.
Again, the programmers started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom and all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom.
Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom, knocked on the programmers bathroom, and said "ticket please."
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Santa Claus: An Engineering Analysis
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 specices of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 1. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total -leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.
That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, move at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized lego set ( 2 pounds ), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot the job with eight, or even nine, We need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload- not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized with 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa ( which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force.
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What you will learn in Engineering
· You can study hard and still fail
· You can not study and pass
· Multiple choice does not mean easy
· There are no trains here
· Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
· You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class
· Pi to six decimal places
· Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks
· Everyone is someone else's wierdo
· Front Row people are wierd
· Those who can, do, those who can't, teach
· A 95.75% can be an A
· An 80.1% can be an A+
· You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery
· You NEED an HP
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You may be an engineer ...
· If you introduce your wife as "mylady:_USE_THE_AT_EMOTICON_:home.wife" or husband as "myman:_USE_THE_AT_EMOTICON_:tv.hubby"
· If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
· If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas.
· If Dilbert is your hero.
· If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
· If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
· If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
· If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
· If you use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car.
· If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
· If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
· If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
· If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
· If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
· If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
· If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
· If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
· If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
· If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
· If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
· If a team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception.
· If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
· If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
· If you have never backed up your hard drive.
· If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
· If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
· If you see a good design and still have to change it.
· If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
· If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
· If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don't remember where they are.
· If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
· If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
· If you have more toys than your kids.
· If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
· If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
· If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
· If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
· If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
· If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
· If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
· If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
· If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screw driver to use.
· If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
· If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
· If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
· If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
· If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
· If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
· If you spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car.
· If you know what http:// stands for.
· If you know C.
· If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
· If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
· If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate.
· If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
· If you have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.
· If you have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.
· If your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung -- temporarily -- three years ago.
· If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the others'.
· If you can name all the cards in your PC without looking.
· If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can't remember your spouse's birthday.
· If you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
· If you have at least one historical computer in your closet.
· If you take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.
· If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
· If your computer is down, you don't know what date is it today and miss all meetings too.
· If you read through this list completely ... and try to convince yourself not to agree with at least one of them.
· If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
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Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
1. Complimentary Tutoring
2. Large Earning Potential
3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4. Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6. FREE body diagrams
7. Always back up their hard drives
8. Trained to do it right the first time
9. Specialized in experimentation
10. Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
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Public execution
Scene: public executions by guillotine
Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine...
First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardonned.
Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardonned.
Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."
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Car Accident 1
It seems 3 guys were travelling in a car together, an industrial quality control expert, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer. As they were going down a VERY steep hill, they realized the brakes were out and they faced certain death.
The QC expert said,"no problem, we'll put together a work group, study the problem, make a fishbone diagram and come up with suggestions about how to solve this problem."
The hardware engr said, "That'll take too much time, we'll DIE!! I think I can dismantle the ignition system, find out the problem and cross wire the brake system so we can stop the car."
The software engr just said, "What's the big deal? Instead of getting upset, why don't we just push the car back up the hill and see if if happens again?"
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Car Accident 2
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
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Monitor Engineer Joke
Q: What's the difference between a Monitor Engineer and a toilet?
The toilet only has to deal with one ass hole at a time....
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Engineer - Physicist - Lawyer
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?
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Young Engineer
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
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Live form
There was a physicist and an engineer working on a top secret time travel project. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there before them was a very beautiful female life form.
She said to the men "I have been without companionship for many years, if you can reach me, you can do with me as you wish" " However, because of the time field, every time you move towards me you will go only half that distance"
The engineer then looked at the physicist and noticed he was very sad. "Whats the matter with you, this is the opportunity of a lifetime !!"
The physicist replied "Don't you see, if I go only half the distance each time, I will never actually get there ! It's a hopeless situation" The physicist then asked the engineer "Why are you smiling ?"
The engineer grinned and said "Thats true, ... but I'll be close enough to get the job done !"
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YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR...
· if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
· if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
· if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
· if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
· if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
· if you think in "math."
· if you have a pet named after a scientist.
· if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
· if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
· if you can translate English into Binary.
· if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
· If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
· if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
· if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
· if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
· if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
· if you understood more than five of these indicators.
· if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
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Building Fence
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
----
Oldest Profession
A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
----
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.
----
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
After a short pause ...
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
----
How space shuttles got that way or why engineering is an exact science:
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails)is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. Now the twist to the story ...
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horse's behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's Ass!
----
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
----
HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS
How do you hunt elephants?
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass:
a) catch each animal seen
B) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c) Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times, and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research Consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president gets to see them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will :
1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight,
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the irememberjeep.
SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as "Desktop Elephants"
----
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.----
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When considering the behavior of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
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Engineers Explained People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST;
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet™
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
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The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Never try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
----
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
----
MEMO
To: Experimental Weaponry Research & Development -
Nuclear Hand Grenade Tests
From: Experimental Weaponry - Product Testing
Subject: Test Results
Gentlemen:
Congratulations on the development of the US arsenal's first nuclear hand grenade. As expected, your demonstration models functioned flawlessly. All test devices detonated as designed, hence the test must be deemed a success.
However, in light of the fact that the device can only be thrown 25 yards, we STRONGLY SUGGEST you reduce the 100 yard killing radius.
P.S. We suggest offering the current stock to Iran and Iraq as part of a buy-one get-one FREE sale.
----
A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"
St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."
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Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.
A2: Only the one with the instruction manual.
A3: One. But she would insist that the way she did it was distinctive.
A4: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the light bulb, and the third to interpret the Japanese text.
A5: Five. One to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of the USA using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
A6: None. "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."
----
A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell, and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
1. So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Melissa Porter during our freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and Hell is exothermic."
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Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. Lava lamps don't burn out, man!
A2: Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out.
A3: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.
A4: Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
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There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work."
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Top 10 reasons to date an Engineer
1.The world does revolve around them... they choose the coordinate system
2.No "couple" enjoy a better "moment"
3.They know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship
4.They have significant figures
5.The motion of rigid bodies
6.Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?
7.Engineers do it to specification
8.According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite
9.They know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force
10.They know the right hand rule

from here

I'm not that bored, but still, :lol:

About half of those proofs apply to me too :(

And the one about the thermal properties of Hell is actually a true answer from a scholarship Chemistry exam.

Coolness!

:hilarious:

why did the Engineer cross the road?

because he hadn't built a bridge over it yet.

An engineer suddenly came across this old lamp while he was tramping alone. He rubbed it and a genie came out, granting him three wishes, on the condition that, whatever he wishes for, all the lawyers in the world shall also have that wish granted with double the results.

At first the engineer wanted a Ferrari, all the lawyers in the world ended up having two.

He became greedier and asked for a 20-room mansion, all the lawyers were two of such.

"Perhaps you should make your final wish beneficial to those less fortunate than you." The genie suggested.

"I would like to donate one of my kidneys."

That's from The Dilbert Principle.

Is this a coincidence? I'm also a Dilbert fan.

You might like this thread then.

Thanks! I thought only engineering students and office workers like Dilbert.

Anyone who's ever run across management find something of themselves in Dilbert.

haha. Mr von cock and I are the only engineering students here and we are so ridiculously leftist it's not funny.

Dilbert is average.

To be honest I find Scott Adams writing better than his cartoons. The Dilbert Principle was hilarious.

Oob, I see the opposite. I think Adams' writing is only trying to be funny in some areas. Although some of his own life experiences are worth a laugh, I still prefer his cartoons.

The character I resemble the most in terms of personality would be Dogbert.

Is it because it doesn't involve genitals and sex like your cartoons?

Dogbert and Wally for the win.

There's a lecturer who looks like Wally.

I like Alice's barely checked aggression. She's going to snap one day, I want to be there when she does.

She already has, a few times. There's one where she kills a guy by pushing him down the stairs.

The funniest time when Alice snapped was 'Code Rage', where her program isn't working the way she intended, so she threw the CRT monitor over the cubicle wall and it hit some colleague on the head. Later, the cops were called and they documented the "code rage" incident.

Here's that lecturer who resembles Wally (with a bit more hair):